Mambo Italiano
Dear mum,
Want to know something mental?
Before the second Christmas without you, I blew all my savings on a trip to Italy. Doesn't seem that bad, eh? But listen... I never went.
So what happened was, I met a guy. There's always a guy, right? I met him online while I was wrapped up in my grief, and I think we were both using each other to escape/feel better, as he wasn't in the best place either. Not a bad man, but a stranger. That's important to remember when I go on to tell you, I was planning on staying with him for 10 days on this trip.
I know, mum. It's like I was getting more stupid by the day - like true crime wasnt one of my most visited genres.
Everyone warned me against it, and they were convinced he was manipulating my feelings to eventually come back with me for a green card. Wasn't the case. I'd laugh it off, "I'm the one looking for a fuckin' green card". I felt like a bee in a jar, mum. I was trapped and there weren't enough air holes for me to survive. Get. Me. Out.
So, I didn't take much convincing when he asked if I wanted to visit. Do fish swim? Get me on the plane the now! Never flown before, but I'll figure it out. And I did.
I booked the flights right away, renewed my passport online and arranged the covid test - it was during that time - and I allowed myself to get excited.
Dad knew. I forgot to add that part. It wasn't easy convincing him that I wasn't completely off my rocker, and at 31, I was fully capable of making my own decisions. He left me to it. And looking back, I think it's because his psychic tendencies where at play, and he knew I'd never board that flight.
See, mum, I ended up falling really sick. Remember I was having trouble with my left eye? Well, I'm blind in it now, and at that time is when the eye started to fail me. So I had to rush to the doctor, where I became an outpatient and was being treated for a few months.
It was awful. I've never tried drugs in my life, and that's the truth, but I imagined this is what it was like; being high all the time, a totally different version of oneself. It wasn't fun, it didn't feel good.
"I can't come," I remember telling this guy. "I'm too sick."
I think he saw it coming, because aside from being sick, I was a big shitebag anyway. I'd have found some other excuse, even though I'd spent all the money on it. I'm not the type to just throw caution to the wind and let the whirl spin me on a massive adventure.
So that's it. That's the story of a day that wasn't seized. It comes up now because I wonder, if I took that trip, would I have embarked on the adventure of my first date with Joey?
That is to say, I don't regret missing that flight. I'm happy I kept my feet on the ground, and walked - rather than flew - to a new, exciting chapter in my life.
A chapter, I'll fill you in on as we write it.
Wish you were here...
Want to know something mental?
Before the second Christmas without you, I blew all my savings on a trip to Italy. Doesn't seem that bad, eh? But listen... I never went.
So what happened was, I met a guy. There's always a guy, right? I met him online while I was wrapped up in my grief, and I think we were both using each other to escape/feel better, as he wasn't in the best place either. Not a bad man, but a stranger. That's important to remember when I go on to tell you, I was planning on staying with him for 10 days on this trip.
I know, mum. It's like I was getting more stupid by the day - like true crime wasnt one of my most visited genres.
Everyone warned me against it, and they were convinced he was manipulating my feelings to eventually come back with me for a green card. Wasn't the case. I'd laugh it off, "I'm the one looking for a fuckin' green card". I felt like a bee in a jar, mum. I was trapped and there weren't enough air holes for me to survive. Get. Me. Out.
So, I didn't take much convincing when he asked if I wanted to visit. Do fish swim? Get me on the plane the now! Never flown before, but I'll figure it out. And I did.
I booked the flights right away, renewed my passport online and arranged the covid test - it was during that time - and I allowed myself to get excited.
Dad knew. I forgot to add that part. It wasn't easy convincing him that I wasn't completely off my rocker, and at 31, I was fully capable of making my own decisions. He left me to it. And looking back, I think it's because his psychic tendencies where at play, and he knew I'd never board that flight.
See, mum, I ended up falling really sick. Remember I was having trouble with my left eye? Well, I'm blind in it now, and at that time is when the eye started to fail me. So I had to rush to the doctor, where I became an outpatient and was being treated for a few months.
It was awful. I've never tried drugs in my life, and that's the truth, but I imagined this is what it was like; being high all the time, a totally different version of oneself. It wasn't fun, it didn't feel good.
"I can't come," I remember telling this guy. "I'm too sick."
I think he saw it coming, because aside from being sick, I was a big shitebag anyway. I'd have found some other excuse, even though I'd spent all the money on it. I'm not the type to just throw caution to the wind and let the whirl spin me on a massive adventure.
So that's it. That's the story of a day that wasn't seized. It comes up now because I wonder, if I took that trip, would I have embarked on the adventure of my first date with Joey?
That is to say, I don't regret missing that flight. I'm happy I kept my feet on the ground, and walked - rather than flew - to a new, exciting chapter in my life.
A chapter, I'll fill you in on as we write it.
Wish you were here...
