Wish you were here...

Dear mum, last night I had a trippy dream. I know that's not unusual for me, as I make movies every night I sleep. But this one, it was the most random one in awhile, yet quite poignant.  So it started with me getting to meet Blue October. I feel like my love for them, from the age of 16 when I first heard "Hate Me", turned to obsession after you passed. They always got me through, as if their music was a vital piece of my survival. A coronary artery, keeping my heart in check. Maybe I tried too hard for that to be the case for you, too; theirs being the last music I would constantly play for you, jumping from one song to the other, while all you wanted to do was rest after your chemo. Keep going, mum...  Anyway, I don't know how I managed to get a chance to meet them in my dream, but it was happening. Only, ten minutes before, an announcement came and a scene played out where Justin, the lead singer, was approached by a man wanting his jacket. Justin didn't wa...

Dear mum, I'm afraid of dying. I know it's a heavy, morbid subject, but I can't seem to escape the thought lately. Aunty Betty passed away on Friday the 13th. (October) Who wrote that script?  I feel selfish, because talking about her funeral with dad, all I can think of is your funeral. It's the last one I attended, and given it was yours, I was never not going to think about it. But with the family getting smaller and smaller, it's stuck there in my throat; spilling out in the middle of the night.  "Joey," I shoved him awake. "Joey, I'm scared of dying."  "You're scared of dying?"  "Yes."  "You're not going to die. You'll be okay." He fell asleep again, and I continued to stare at his back. I thought about you, how sudden you went, and then I feared the same happening to me. To dad. To Joey. Oh God, where do we go? Will we all meet again? Will I ever feel a mother's hug again...  Mum, I ...

Dear mum, we, Joey and me, moved house the other day. We only moved across the street. An exchange.  It's a beautiful house, and I'm lucky to be making it home. I just wish we left a beautiful house behind. Our house. The family home. I never wanted to carry on there, to take over. It was too big, and littered with sad memories. It wasn't home in the end, rather a burden that became too much for me to carry. I'm sorry.  Most nights, I cry myself to sleep. I don't like to admit that, nor do I want you to worry. But I'm sad - my heart is broken. Missing you, still grieving that massive loss, and a feeling of guilt that won't go away. Guilt, I've been packing in bags and carrying with me since I was a child. I don't know how to throw it away, or how it keeps attaching itself to me. I've nothing to feel guilty for. Have I?  Many people, family included, have always looked at me as someone who had everything handed to me. Like I was some spoiled...

Dear mum, Want to know something mental? Before the second Christmas without you, I blew all my savings on a trip to Italy. Doesn't seem that bad, eh? But listen... I never went.  So what happened was, I met a guy. There's always a guy, right? I met him online while I was wrapped up in my grief, and I think we were both using each other to escape/feel better, as he wasn't in the best place either. Not a bad man, but a stranger. That's important to remember when I go on to tell you, I was planning on staying with him for 10 days on this trip. I know, mum. It's like I was getting more stupid by the day - like true crime wasnt one of my most visited genres.  Everyone warned me against it, and they were convinced he was manipulating my feelings to eventually come back with me for a green card. Wasn't the case. I'd laugh it off, "I'm the one looking for a fuckin' green card". I felt like a bee in a jar, mum. I was trapped and there weren...

Dear Mum, Did you ever read The Yellow Wallpaper? Maybe you did, as you flew through books like nobody's business!  Anyway, I'm sitting here, having my own descent into madness. Here, by the way, is the house I've been staying in until we - me and Joey - move in to our first home. I'm sitting on the kitchen floor, Dragon Soop in hand, staring at the paper peeling off the wall. Yellow paper. Bit on the nose, eh? Given it's a day where I'm fighting with my depression. Not manic today, just majorly down in the dumps and for want of a nicer phrase, "not giving a fuck". Crazy that, innit? Not giving a fuck, when giving too much of a fuck about everyone and everything is the problem. Heart's no longer on my sleeve - it's swinging from my fuckin' throat like a pendant on a necklace. Fascinating to look at, but irritating as anything to keep it dangling there.  God knows why the paper is peeling now. Or was it like that when we got here? It...

Dear mum, Last year, on the 9th of April 2022, I met someone. A man.  I know you always told me to try and steer clear of meeting people online, because I seem to attract madness and people with bad intentions. But I got with the times, and put myself out there after a hell of a year. Oh mum, I was beyond nervous. Messaging this man, I gave off the confidence of a kitten climbing a tree. But on the day, leading up to meeting him, I was the terrified kitten, wishing I'd never made the climb. One year and five months on, I'm glad I did. He's still here, mum. He's my Huckleberry. (A reference, both you and he will understand)  His name is Jose, but he goes by "Joey". He's Spanish. Sidenote: you'd have loved his cooking! Anyway, we agreed to meet at the Howlin' Wolf. Let me tell you this, he's a punctual man - always has to be on time. So you can imagine that only added to my nerves, as someone who would be late for their own funeral! ...

Dear mum, It's the 21st of September today, 2023. It's three years to the day you moved on. I decided to start a blog today, to write you little letters and keep you updated on the things you haven't been able to be around for. In person, because I know if you can, you will always be there in spirit.  This post is about that day. The day we were called to come to the hospital to, maybe, say goodbye to you. I say "maybe", as I clung fiercely to hope that you'd open your eyes and greet us "hello". Maybe.  I was playing Fallout 76 with Kevin on the PS4. My heart was in my throat the whole time, anxiously waiting to hear something from you. I don't know how many times I called, but none of them were answered, and I figured you must be with the doctors and couldn't pick up. This was Sunday night, the day you went into hospital, and Kevin stayed up with me the whole time, as Sunday became Monday. Early hours, still no word on how you were.  I...